~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A crusty old biker, on a summer ride in the country, walks into a tavern and sees a sign hanging over the bar, which reads:

CHEESEBURGER: $2.50

HAMBURGER: $2.25

CHICKEN SANDWICH: $3.50

HAND JOB: $500.00

Checking his wallet for the necessary payment, he walks up to the bar and beckons to the exceptionally attractive female bartender serving drinks to a meager looking group of farmers.

'Yes?' she inquires with a knowing smile, 'can I help you?'
'I was wondering,' whispers the old biker, 'are you the young lady who gives the hand-jobs? ''Yes", she smiles and purrs, "I sure am".
The old biker replies, 'Well wash your hands real good cause I want a cheeseburger.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A biker is riding along a country lane, when a sparrow flies up in front of him. The biker can't do anything and hits the sparrow. As he looks in his rear view mirror, he sees the sparrow lying in the road. Being the kind of guy he is, he stops, picks up the sparrow and takes it home and puts it in a cage, still in a coma. When the sparrow wakes up the following morning, he looks through the bars of the cage and says, "Shit, I must have killed the biker".
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A road-wary old biker walks into a saloon to have a cold beer after a long, dusty ride. At the end of the bar, he sees a rather good-looking "lady of the evening". She smiles at him and asks if he's looking for a good time. Well, having been some time since his last snarlin' he accepts. After agreeing on a price, she escorts him up to her room and they start humpin'. After about 10 minutes of furious banging the old biker asks:

"So babe, how am I doin'?"

She replies:

"You're doin' 3 "knots".

"3 knots?.... What's that mean?" replies the biker.

She said:

"You're NOT hard, you're NOT in and you're NOT getting your money back!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
One Sunday an old biker walks into church and sits down in the front row. As the preacher is beginning his sermon, the devil suddenly appears at the altar. The members of the congregation, including the preacher himself, flee the church in terror, all except for this one old biker in the front row.

The devil notices this one biker still in the church and walks down from the altar to confront him. He roars at the man, "Do you know who I am?"

"Why of course I know who you are," the man calmly replies. "You're Satan."

"And you're not afraid of me like the others?" the devil asks somewhat miffed.

To which the biker replies, "No. Why should I be? I've been married to your sister for the last 25 years."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Q. What is the difference between a drug dealer and a hooker?

A. A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q. What's a mixed feeling?

A. When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q What's the height of conceit?

A. Having an orgasm and calling out your own name.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q. What's the definition of macho?

A. Jogging home from your vasectomy.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q. What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball?

A. A guy will actually search for a golf ball
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q. What's a Yankee?

A. The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q. What do Tupperware and a walrus have in common?

A. They both like a tight seal.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q. What do a Christmas tree and a priest have in common?

A. Their balls are just for decoration.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q. What is the difference between 'ooooooh' and 'aaaaaaah'?

A. About three inches.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q. How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony?

A. It's not hard
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?

A: Tits don't have eyes.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q: What is the difference between medium and rare?

A: Six inches is medium, eight inches is rare.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q. Why do women rub their eyes when they get up in the morning?

A . They don't have balls to scratch!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The inventor of the Harley-Davidson motorcycle,

Arthur Davidson, died and went to heaven. At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur. 'Since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want to in heaven.'

Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, 'I want to hangout with God.' St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room, and introduced him to God.. God recognized Arthur and commented, 'Okay, so you were the one who invented the Harley-Davidson motorcycle?'

Arthur said, 'Yeah, that's me....'

God commented: 'Well, what's the big deal in inventing something that's pretty unstable, makes noise and pollution and can't run without a road?' Arthur was apparently embarrassed, but finally spoke, 'Excuse me, but aren't you the inventor of women?'

God said, 'Ah, yes.'

'Well,' said Arthur, 'professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention:
1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusion

2. It chatters constantly at high speeds

3. Most rear ends are too soft and wobble too much

4. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust

5. The maintenance costs are outrageous!! !!

'Hmmmmm, you may have some good points there, 'replied God, 'hold on.'

God went to his Celestial supercomputer typed in a few words and waited for the results. The computer printed out a slip of paper and GOD read it.

'Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed,' God said to Arthur, 'but according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than yours!!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Badass Biker Bob wakes up at home with a huge hangover. He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins and a glass of water on the side table.

He sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. Bob looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotless, clean. So is the rest of the house.

He takes the aspirins and notices a note on the table: "Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping. Love you."

So he goes to the kitchen, and sure enough there is a hot breakfast and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating.

Bob asks, "Son, what happened last night?"

His son says, "Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and delirious, broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and gave yourself a black eye when you stumbled into the door."

Confused, Badass Bob asks, "So, why is everything in order and so clean, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"

His son replies, "Oh, that! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you said, "Lady, leave me alone, I'm married'!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A biker & his wife are celebrating their 50th anniversary. That night the wife approaches her husband wearing the exact same sexy little teddy that she wore on their wedding night. She looks at her husband & says, "Honey, Do you remember this?"

He looks up at her & says, "Yes dear, I do. You wore that same negligee the night we were married."

She says, "That's right. Do you remember what you said to me that night?"

He nods & says, "Yes dear, I still remember."

"Well, what is it?" she asks.

He responds, "Well honey, as I remember, I said, "Ohhhhhhh Baby, I'm going to suck the life out of those big tits & screw your brains out."

She giggles & says, "Yes honey, that's it. That's exactly what you said. So, now it's 50 years later, I'm in the same negligee I wore that night. What do you have to say tonight?"

Again he looks her up & down & finally replies, "Mission Accomplished."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A Biker walks into a bar, he takes a seat at the bar and growls:

"Bartender! Get me a drink!" The bartender obliges, and the biker scarfs down the drink. Slamming the glass down on the bar, he growls:

"Bartender! Get me another!" The bartender pours him another drink. After a few more rounds, the bartender attempts some conversation:

"Sir, he says, it seems that you're visibly upset. What's the problem?" The biker looks at him and snorts:

"I just went home and caught my ol' lady screwing my best friend!"

"Oh man," says the bartender, that's rough... "What did you do?" The biker says:

"Well, I grabbed her by the hair, threw her out nekkid, threw her clothes out after her, and told her never EVER to come back."

"Wow," says the bartender in awe: "That's tough man, what did you do to your friend?"

"Well," says the biker, "I marched right back upstairs, I grabbed HIM by the scruff of the neck, and I said: BAD DOG."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Biker Definitions:

Alaskan hooker = Frostitute
Anteater = hungry uncle
Anal sex = man in the moon
Swap meet = What's done at an orgy
Flathead = blow job with no gusto
High jacking = hand job at 40,000 feet
Hogwash = Miss Piggy's douche
Quadrasexual = someone who will do anything for a quarter
NASA = need another seven astronauts
Fear = face everything and recover, fuck everything and run
True happiness = seeing mother-in-law on milk carton
Fuck off = two babes tied for first place in beauty contest
Lap dog = Ugly old lady who gives head
Herpes = name for a dog that won't heal
Manicurist = someone who gives good hand jobs
Tuna salad = pussy w/lettuce and tomato inside
Perfect 10 = when she lies on her back she still has cleavage
Gynecologist = deaf mute that reads lips
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A biker is riding a new motorcycle on the highway.

While passing a car, he knocks on the window. The driver of the car opens the window and says, "Yes?" The bike responds, "Ever driven a Honda motorcycle?" The driver says, "No I haven't."

The biker drives on, until he sees the next car. While passing it, he knocks on the window. The driver of the car opens the window and says, "Yes?" The bike responds, "Ever driven a Honda motorcycle?" The driver says, "No I haven't."

Then, suddenly, there is a curve, the biker sees it too late. He crashes off the road into a ditch. A car stops and a man runs to the unlucky biker. Covered in blood and surely dying, the biker asks, "Ever driven a Honda motorcycle?" The man replies, "Yes I have. I had a Honda for 20 years". The biker asks, "Where's the fuckin brakes?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Did you ever wonder why A, B, C, D, E, & F are used to define bra sizes?

A - Almost boobs
B - Barely there
C - Can do
D - Darn good
E - Enormous
F - Fake
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Jenny wanted to join a biker gang in a real bad way but never knew exactly how to go about it. So one day she decides to follow some local bikers to their top secret hide out.

She calmly walks up to the door and knocks. A gruffy lookin’ guy sticks his head out and says, "whadda ya want?"

Jenny tells him that she really wants to join their gang and the man says, "well, we never let any women in our gang before but before I say no, let me ask you a few questions."

She agrees quickly. "Okay, first do you smoke?" he asked her. She responds, "hell, I’ve been smokin’ since I was 12 years old, Marlboro reds."

He says that sounds good and asks another. "Do you drink?"

She says, "Oh yeah, Jack Daniels...lots of times!"

He likes that too and says "Do you cuss?"

Jenny says, "Fuck yeah, all the time".

"Well," he says "that all sounds good to me but lemme ask ya one last thing. Have you ever been picked up by the fuzz?"

Jenny responds, "Nope, but I’ve been swung around by my nipples a few times.......
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
This biker lady has a heart attack and is taken to the hospital. While on the operating table, she had a near death experience. Seeing God, she asked, "Is my time up?" God said, "No, you have another 43 years, 2 months, and 8 days to live."

Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a facelift, liposuction, and tummy tuck. Since she had so much more time to live, new roads to ride, she figured she might as well look even nicer.

After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While riding her motorcycle home, she was run into by a delivery truck and killed. Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had another 40+ years? How come you didn't pull me out of the path of that freakin' truck?"

God replied, "I didn't recognize you."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A ten year old boy was walking down the street when a big man on a black motorcycle pulls up beside him and asks, "Hey kid, wanna go for a ride?"

" No!", said the boy, and he kept walking.

The motorcyclist pulls up to him again and says "Hey kid, I'll give you $10 if you hop on the back."

" No!", said the boy and he proceeded down the street a little quicker.

The motorcyclist pulls up to the boy again and says, "Ok kid, I'll give you $20 and a BIG bag of candy if you hop on the back for a ride."

At this point, the boy turns around to him and screams angrily, "Look Dad, YOU bought a Honda, so YOU ride it!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A biker was riding along a California beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and in a booming voice the Lord said "Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish."

The biker pulled over and said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want."

The Lord said, "Your request is materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of some thing that would honor and glorify me."

The biker thought about it for some time.

Finally he said, "Lord, I wish that I could understand my wife. I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing is wrong, an how I can make a woman truly happy!"

The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Three Bikers, a Honda Rider, a BMW Rider and a Harley Rider were sitting in a sauna.

Suddenly, there was a continuing beeping sound.

The Honda Rider pressed his forearm and the beeping stopped.

The others looked at him questioningly. That was my pager, he said, I have a micro chip under the skin of my arm.

A few minutes later a phone rang.

The BMW Rider lifted his palm to his ear. When he finished he explained, That was my mobile phone. I have a micro chip in my hand.

The Harley Rider felt decidedly low tech. Not to be outdone, he decided he had to do something just as impressive. He stepped out of the sauna and went to the bathroom. He returned with a piece of toilet paper hanging from his butt.

The others raised their eyebrows and stared at him.

The Harley Rider finally declared "Well, will you look at that, I’m getting a fax"!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A little girl is playing in her front yard when she hears a load rumbling. She calls into the house, "Daddy, some guys on motorcycles are coming down the street!" Her father calls back, "I think you should come in the house."

She looks back toward the bikers and again calls into the house, "Daddy, they’re riding Harley Davidsons!"

The father shouts back, "You’d better bring in the dog too!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
What is the difference in a Biker on a Harley and a Hoover Vac?

The dirtbag is on the outside of the Harley!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Why is it that PETA is more against fur coats than leather jackets?

Because its easier to harass rich old ladies than motorcycle gangs.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~